I finally got my wings.

It's been a longggggg time since I've blogged but I'm back! (: So much has transpired in my life since the last time I blogged and I don't know where to begin to tell you guys what's been happening.

I'm currently in a season of restoration, freedom, and self-discovery (finding my true identity). I left home (Toledo, Ohio) July 6th to embark on a new and exciting journey in Dallas, Texas. I left behind my parents, my siblings, all of the friends and all of my extended family, everything that I knew and everything that was familiar and comfortable to me, was now in the distance. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of peace as I traveled almost 2000 miles away from home. I remember it feeling so unreal that this a dream I've had for so long was now becoming a reality. As sad as it was for me to leave my family and friends behind I knew that God was about to do an amazing work in my life through my obedience to move and I was excited.

I'll be honest I've always wanted to leave but I never thought I would. I was dealing with so many unmet expectations at this point in my life that I didn't expect anything good to happen anymore. I became so passive with my prayers and had a whatever happen happens attitude because a lot of my prayers seemed to be going unanswered. But even then I was willing to lay down this desire to start a "new life" for God's will for my life. That season of my life I had to learn the hard way to surrender all to God, my desires and plans. I tried so many times to plan my "escape",  and each time was shut down but this one!

There were so many times when I wanted to leave and I would cry out to God to please deliver me from the place that I was in. I was dealing with a lot of family issues, my own personal issues and feeling really forgotten about by God, I was always dealing with feeling extremely alone at that time and all of these things made me want to just escape and run and be free. Even with the option to leave, I desired Gods will so much that I was very careful to make the decision so I kept praying and waiting on the right moment. I stayed in prayer for years regarding what direction God wanted me to go in. Yes, years smh! I continued my education and just kept going about my daily life. I was willing to stay put if He wanted me too, but the way things began to line up for me and how smooth the transition was I just knew it was finally time, I knew it was God's will. I felt God shift me, prepare me and lead the way!

Moving to Dallas was amazing in itself, I love it here but honestly the biggest part was knowing that all of these years of going before God and really crying out to him on the behalf of my circumstances, my living arrangements, feeling trapped, feeling alone, feeling stuck in Toledo forever; was knowing that God heard my prayers through it all, and even in the dark season that I had to go through He had a plan to bring me HERE the whole time! The whole time I was praying he was setting it all up. Sometimes you don't see God's hand until you look back! I wasn't running from a location, I was running from fear, complacency, and a false identity of who I was and who God was. I was running towards healing, a true identity in Christ and freedom. Freedom that I have never felt a day in my life. 

I had a rough childhood, I was forced to be a loner growing up with 2 very strict parents. I battled with depression, contemplating suicide, and on two occasions attempting to take my life. I spent majority of my childhood in my room, alone. This made me very lonely and I kept to myself A LOT. Not trusting anyone enough to let them in because all I knew was fear and being alone. I grew up having strict parents so I grew up believing I had to work hard for everything...including Christ. I grew up believing that no one had my best interest in mind or really cared about my thoughts or feelings.  I honestly remember believing that there were no good people in this world....but one...I always had hope that one day, prince charming would come and rescue me from the "state" I was in. Watching movies is all I did as a kid and play with dolls, so that should help you understand a little of why I believed this so much. I dreamed of a man that would make me look at the world different, someone that would see me. He use to be Ken when I played with my barbies as a little girl, then he was my daddy as teenage young lady, and now as an adult He's the one I've waited for all this time. A little girl longs for someone to come in and change her life, rather it's her father, or her "soulmate".

I was always a hopeless romantic, I always believed that there was a man out there that would come and make my lonely world seem "less lonely" and more "livable". Like Cinderella locked away in a castle with nothing but her hopes and dreams, I was too waiting for some man to show up and rescue me. Toledo was my castle. I felt incredibly alone there. Ironically I had family and friends around me all the time, and I still felt alone. I thought this was how God wanted me to be. I didn't see how God was working in my life at the time. I started to accept loneliness as apart of my DNA, it became my identity and then I started to purposely isolate myself from friends and family. That was familiar to me, that was my defense mechanism and honestly sometimes I feel the tendency to still isolate myself out of fear.

I was searching for something deep, I had an open wound that I knew a body being in my presence couldn't fill but at least be a bandage. I couldn't explain this loneliness at the time. I couldn't explain how trapped I felt at the time...

But now, I can.

It was a waiting season, a preparation season, filled with intense molding and shaping. A season when God broke me, humbled me, and showed me who I was and who He was and why He was the filler, the missing piece to my puzzle. And when I finally had the peace and confirmation about moving and being set free, I knew my "prince" had finally come to save me from myself, from settling, from believing that God called me to be isolated and alone. My prayer was finally answered!! Jesus had always been there, but I didn't experience Him in this way before until now. He removed all fear, all doubt, all pain, and gave me a peace that truly did surpass all understanding as He led the way, as He led me here. Feeling trapped as a kid, and then a young adult does something to the way you view life and people. I probably appreciate being free and on my own more than most people because of my experiences.

I was being consumed by everyone and everything, including my own fears and doubts.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity;

 she can laugh at the days to come."

Proverbs 31:25 

I had to endure a very long season of brokenness to see the beauty in it all and to see God's hands on my life and the situation the whole time. There were times when I thought I was going crazy. There were times when I felt like I was being punished. I thought brokenness was my identity and that this was just the way my life was going to be. I thought I'd always be trapped, battling with loneliness, who everyone wanted me to be verses who I was really was. I thought God wasn't concerned enough. I felt rejected, because it seemed as though my prayers would continue to go unanswered.

It's funny, you'd think I'd feel alone here in Dallas, where I have no one really. But being here has showed me clearly who I do have, and that's Jesus. I had never experienced Jesus so clear in my life until now. He had to remove me from the clutter, from the noise, from the distractions and bring me to this place, where all I can see and rely on is Him. He's taught me to rely on Him alone to be my provider, my comforter and my closest friend. There was a time when my parents were my God, my friends were my God, my pastor was my God. And now He is my God. He is. Jesus became so real to me these last few months. He no longer was a distant being that I longed for, but is ever present in my life. I've never felt freedom the way I feel it now. I love Jesus so much more now then I did.

Moving to Dallas, isn't so much about the location or me moving at all but it's really all about the journey and me discovering who I truly am and who He truly is. Everyday this becomes more real to me and I'm so excited to see all that God has in store for me here in Dallas.

I still battle with fear from time to time, but daily I'm trusting the Lord to completely free me from fear and anxiety.

If you can relate to my story, please don't give up! Hold tightly and meditate on Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in its time." Your time will come!

Thank you for reading <3

"Don't ever forget whose child you are."